I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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