His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
