I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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