put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
