this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
