I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
