Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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