The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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