On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
