At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
