My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
He is an equal opportunity slut.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
