Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
