The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
