Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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