i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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