Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I want you more than these girls want KFC
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
