Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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