she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
