that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
