I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Btw I puked in your glovebox
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
