get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Less talking, more tequila
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
