...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
