At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
well, you know. whores of a feather.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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