I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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