I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
