Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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