I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
you would pick up someone in the library
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
