I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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