I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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