there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Someone signed my nipple.
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