No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
how does that bad decision feel?
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