1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
