Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
