ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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