I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
