Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
