If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I did not marry a roomba.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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