I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
