so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
