ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize
