Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
