Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
