dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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