Cold hands, warm shart.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
