I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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