I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I think my fart just growled at me.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
