I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I have tasted many bathrooms
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
