I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
