I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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