I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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